I’m Scared

I read a couple articles today that when taken together, scared the beejeesus out of me, and I’d like to see what I can do about sharing my fear with you.

First off, it seems that America is responding to the economic crises the way that a country like ours is supposed to.  We’re drinking more beer.  That’s right.  America has decided that the economy, she’s an ugly bitch, and the only way to look at her is through the gentle light of beer goggles.  Nothing wrong there.

Unfortunately, our counterpoints on the other side of the pond have decided to go a different way.  Brits have started to consume less alcohol!  In fact, they’ve just reported their first quarter of decline in sales since 1997!  This is terrifying, folks.  And if you’re not scared already, then keep reading.

See, Britain’s like our older brother who’s already figured out how to do most of the things we’re trying to do.  Except his teeth are worse, his accent’s better, and he has health care. Plus subsidies for writers.  (Where do I vote for that?)  But Britain’s already figured out how to be a (mildly) racist, xenophobic bunch of imperialist dicks, just like we want to be, but unlike us, he’s actually figured out how to make the rest of the world like him while he’s doing it.  And with his healthier populace and better way of getting kids into school, the only way we were standing a chance was because of the high alcoholism of his people.

Though I don’t have immediate experience on this one, I do have the experience of my cousin, who went off to England for a year and was having problems with the gin within weeks.  It’s the kind of country that allowed that sort of thing to happen to someone, and it did great work on dulling Britain’s potential so that a young upstart like us could come along and become the massively overcompensating super-power we all know and love.

But with Britain drinking less to save money and us drinking more to forget that we no longer have any, the tables are in a severe state of tipping, and if we don’t change things fast, they’ll flip.  But don’t worry, folks.  I‘ve got a solution: let’s start donating some of our beer to Britain.

Think about it.  We buy our beer, which stimulates our economy.  We use pay American postal networks to ship the beer oversees, once again, good for our economy, and Britain gets to drink without paying for it.  Britain’s population falls back to its alcoholic stupor, American companies get a bit more money, and status quo remains.  Otherwise, what have we got to keep us safe?  Aside of course from a military budget that’s bigger than that of everyone else in the world put together.  But how far’s that going to really take us anyway?

– Jake

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