4 Jobs That Turn You Into An Alcoholic

1 – Poet

Back in the day poets were alcoholics because they were depressed and emotional. They drank themselves stupid and then wrote rhymes about drinking themselves stupid. Covered up by similes, of course. But today’s poet is a different story. They now drink because no one reads poetry anymore. That is at least 21st century poetry. We all saw that woman at Obama’s inauguration and we were all thinking the same thing: Where’s the nearest Smith and Wesson so I can blow my brains out before they slowly melt from boredom. Poetry is as dead as Dylan Thomas (one of the greatest drunks who ever lived). So, all poets can do is drink booze and tell themselves that no one understands their art. But don’t feel bad for them. There will come a time when poetry will rise again and overthrow the reign of commercial art. Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.

2 – Peanut Farmer

Okay, you’ve planted the peanuts. You’ve watched the peanuts grow. You’ve picked the peanuts. What do you do in between those things? You get plastered. I can’t think of anything more tedious than farming peanuts. I’m sure the satisfaction you feel after your first batch is shipped to the awaiting public fades after a few weeks. There isn’t — nor will there ever be – any excitement to this job. You wake up in the morning and say: “ I don’t know what’s going to happen today…but it’s going to involve peanuts.” The only pleasure these guys get out of life is a tall glass of whiskey. Think about that the next time you bite into a Snickers.

3 – Vice President Of The United States

Someone once said, “There’s no shame coming in second.” That someone must have come in second in a race to kiss Ernest Borgnine. There’s no shame in that, but it must be a bummer to be second to the most important person in the country. The President gets the interns; the Vice President gets the cleaning lady. The President gets a book deal; the Vice President gets to be on Sesame Street. The main duty of the Vice President is to wait. Wait and pray that the President gets sick or dies. Then it’s his time to shine. But what does he do until then? He pounds down cold ones until he’s passed out at the Lincoln Memorial. Just to rub it in, the VP has to live at Number One Observatory Circle.


The White House is to this place what the Russian Tea Room is to Chuck E. Cheese. I imagine there’s a fully stocked bar in this dinky shack, where he hides and cries over broken dreams.

4 – Alcoholic

This is kind of a cheat, but it’s true. If you work really hard and you believe in yourself, you can become a professional drunk. People will pity you and they will give you their hard-earned money. And you will use that money to get drunk again. Live on the streets the way God intended you to. Wear the same thing everyday. Never again will you worry if you’re going anywhere in life because you’ll know: You’re not. But it could be worse. You could be a poet.

– Will


One Response to “4 Jobs That Turn You Into An Alcoholic”

  1. Rex Everything Says:


    my great grand pappy was a peanut farmer and by god he would get plastered and make us all “fluff a nutter” sandwiches.

    …..wait a second Fluff wasn’t made until the 80s. Oh grandpa you drunk bastard.

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