The Best Beer In The World

Some people would argue that there is no such thing as the best beer in the world. That is simply not true. Everybody has their own favorites, of course, but the title of “Best” is reserved for one beer and one beer only. And that beer’s name was Gary.

Gary was bottled in New York City at the Brooklyn Brewery. Though his nametag has fallen off, it is believed that Gary was originally a Brown Ale (though due to Gary’s feistiness and other traits, a vocal minority of historians have argued for an IPA ethnicity). After this innocuous beginning, however, nothing was ever the same for this beer again.

Gary was meant to be drank in Williamsburg by Skyler Loriano, a hipster who had paid $7.50 (no tip) to Mug’s for the beer. However, in a story that involves black magic, shoestring fries, and a zeppelin race around the world, Skyler instead stuck her tongue down the throat of fellow Green Pointer Hank Topper, leaving Gary to sit on the table. The two then went to ironically dance to an old James Brown tune before returning to do coke in Hank’s two bedroom apartment.

That should have been it, but Gary then rolled off the table – his fall broken by a pile of discarded peanut shells – and into the street. He fell into a sewer grating and then flowed out into the East River. This was six years ago, and the next half-decade is murky. However, a few things are known of Gary’s whereabouts in that time…

• He appeared in a photograph by noted area artist Sal Simeoneo (Gary was the bottle washed up on the beach in the foreground). This dates his arrival back on land no later than early 2004.
• He was picked up by a homeless man named Duggins, who tried to drink Gary but, when he couldn’t open the bottle top, decided that the drink had ruined his life enough. Instead, he gave up alcohol to become a transvestite rapper in Jamaica, Queens.
• The bottle somehow fell into the hands of Gary Bettman, who subsequently called off the 2004-5 NHL Season in his capacity as Commissioner to negotiate a better CBA. Gary’s involvement is strictly tangential, however.
• Gary was seen attached to actress Mischa Barton, who had just broken out as the star of The OC. This brought Gary into the big time like never before.
• The following directors have used Gary in their films: Kevin Smith, Paul Weitz, Michael Moore, Werner Herzog, McG, and Jay Roach.
• Gary’s subsequent Gold Record, Bubbling Away, broke all previous sales records set by an inanimate object.
• Gary’s endorsement of Barrack Obama in late 2007 is seen as a key turning point in the Democratic Primary.

In the meantime, Gary helped Darfur refugees escape persecution while at the same time aiding the Red Crescent in Sri Lanka. He suffered numerous wounds to his glass during this period, but always managed to soldier on. He was awarded the Alo So Finna Mach Cross, Gaelic Ireland’s most noble award (literally meaning, Being that Inspires Us to Get Really Drunk in Celebration) for his work to preserve Gaelic as a language through his epic poem, Branach do Einen. Finally, he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics for his help in folding the Kurtz-Heldment Postulation into current Astrophysical Theory. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to accept the award. He had died saving three children from a burning building in Stockholm the night before.

Still, his legacy lives on. Gary is survived by his wife, Icelandic Supermodel Fjunda. The Gary Prize is regularly awarded at NYU to the student who is able to maintain the highest GPA while still committing him or herself to public service, athletics, and getting shitfaced as often as possible. Finally, much of his estate was left to care Our Lady of Pompeii, a church that cares for children and homeless in the West Village. It is a testament to his life’s work that Gary’s funeral was broadcast in 112 countries and was attended by millions of people (including two former presidents, the King of Swaziland and a host of other important figures the world over). His life, though short, affected the world in a way that few can ever hope to match.

So, the next time someone asks you what your favorite beer in the world is, feel free to say what’s in your heart. But when they ask what the “Best” beer in the world is, you’ll already know the answer. Say Gary, tell the story, and then pour a little of your own beer in memory. It is only fitting.

– Steele

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