Terrible Songs That Sound Good When You’re Drunk: Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar On Me

Def Leppard falls into the category of bands that really like to rock, but just don’t know how to do it. Motley Crue, Poison and pretty much any other hard rock band from the eighties would fall into this category. Their popularity, much like their existence, is without explanation. You might know Def Leppard as being the band with the one-armed drummer. A lot of people think that’s pretty cool. There’s just one problem: He stinks.

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It’s not like he has one arm and he can play like John Bonham. No, he has one arm and plays like a caveman with a frontal lobotomy. Could you expect any other outcome?

But I don’t mean to pick on the guy. He’s not the reason the band is horrible. They would stink if he had four arms. He’s one out of the five reasons the band is horrible. The band writes their songs together. That means each member has something stupid to contribute. I can picture them in the studio, looking at each other and saying, “So, should we make this song about screwing or rocking?” Then another member responds, “Man, we’re Def Leppard. Let’s write a song about both.”

Their most popular song is about pouring sugar on someone during the act of love making. The influence of this song might explain the high rate of obesity in this country. To say the lyrics are incomprehensible is giving them too much credit:

“Love is like a bomb
Come on, get it on
Living like a lover with a radar phone
Looking like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man”

I hate to break the news to everybody, but I have never seen a radar phone, which leads me to believe that they don’t exist. But even if they did, that line still wouldn’t make any sense. The entire song goes on like that. Def Leppard writes sexual innuendoes like six year olds write jokes: You smile to humor them, but deep down inside, you don’t get it.

I hope to do more of these in the future, because there’s a lot of ground to cover. I can think of at least five articles to write on Billy Joel. But when I thought of the idea, this song was first in my mind. You have to be drunk to enjoy this song. In fact, there are three tests to find out if you’re drunk: The breathalyzer test, walking a straight line and singing along to this song. When there’s a room full of drunken Generation Xers and they hear that opening riff, you better believe everyone is joining in. Even I, in not one of my prouder moments, bellowed some “You got the peaches, I got the cream.” That’s a big reason why I don’t drink as much as I used to.

So when you’re at a bar and you see someone at the jukebox going to Def Leppard’s Greatest Hits, stop him. Pull out the plug, set off the fire alarm, do whatever you need to do. That is, until you’ve had a couple of more drinks.

– Will

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