Archive for June, 2009

Jake Drinks O’Douls

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 30, 2009 by thebrewyorker

A recent Brew Yorker shoot forced me to make the purchase of a six-pack of O’Doul’s “premium” non-alcoholic beer-like beverage. Don’t cry for me, Brew Yorker fans, it only cost me five bucks. But sitting around in my apartment tonight, no alcohol to speak of but a cold bottle of Vodka in my freezer – and if you know me, you know I don’t actually have much love for any liquor – I decided to do that one thing that neither you nor I ever thought we’d do: drink one of the O’Douls.

Before I get into this, let me start off by saying, I don’t see the point to this beverage. There’s beers out there that taste great, no question. I’ve long spoken of my deep love of He’Brew’s Messiah Bold, so I don’t feel much need to suck that dick any longer tonight. I enjoy the flavor of a nice hefeweisen every now and again, a good porter when I can find one. I enjoy the occasional lager, in particular India’s “Taj Mahal”, I find has a good amount of complexity to it, even though it’s not the strongest tasting beer in the world, and a cold Asahi on a summer day – well that can wind up being a damn life saver. So it’s not that I don’t understand how people can enjoy a beer for the taste of it.

But O’Doule’s doesn’t really have much of any flavor. It’s like beer soda and they’ve only put in half the syrup. It tastes sort of like… watered down Budweiser, and considering that it’s made by Anheuser-Busch that’s not terribly surprising. And look, I know I’m kind of a beer snob – shut up, Steele – and I normally frown on Budweiser, but to be honest, I’ll drink it if there’s nothing else. But when I’m drinking a Bud, I’m not exactly sitting around drinking it because of that great taste. I’m drinking it to get fucked up.

To be fair to the O’Doul’s, this is an American beer product and therefore is really made to be consumed cold. I, as a person who rejected the very notion of taking up space in my wonderful refrigerator with a beverage I was sure I’d never drink, kept it in a cabinet next to the fridge, so the “beer” I’m drinking is pretty much exactly room temperature. Not optimal drinking conditions. But I looked at the label, doesn’t say anywhere that it’ll be spoiled by being kept in a dark cabinet, doesn’t taste skunked, it just… it doesn’t taste. Like… at all.

And that’s what I don’t get about O’Doul’s. If you’re going to make a non-alcoholic beer, why not try to make it the best tasting non-alcoholic beer you possibly can. People aren’t buying this stuff because they think their friends will think it’s cool, they’re drinking it because they’re alcoholics and remembering the joy of alcohol is all they have left. Model it after something good. Why the hell did I drink this crap?

– Jake

Advertisements

Drunken Perspective – Introducing Oneself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2009 by thebrewyorker

Imbibing alcoholic beverages can impair one’s language, lucidity, and other functions. Be wary – be VERY wary – and take this with an ounce of caution!

YouTube link here.

Beer Quiz

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 27, 2009 by thebrewyorker

1. Which of the following is a key ingredient in beer:
A) Barley
B) Sweetener
C) Hops
D) Love

Answer: D. Barley is a good addition to beer, but not necessary. Sweetener is close but sugar would be more accurate. Hops are an ingredient, but I wouldn’t so far as to say it’s a key ingredient. The correct answer is love. Yes, in order to have a beer taste its best it must be brewed and prepared with love. Buy the love at your local supermarket. If you can only afford cheap love than get it if you must, but the best love is the most expensive kind. Sprinkle the love lightly into your brew and stir. Make sure there are people around you as you add the love to avoid skepticism. As the love blends with your brew it will make merry. But too much love will create a taste that is too demanding and thus scare the consumer.

2. Who invented beer?
A) No one knows
B) No one cares
C) No one
D) Stephen Hawking

Answer: D. World-renowned genius and all-around bore Stephen Hawking invented time travel in 1961 while studying astronomy at Oxford University. Hawking discovered that by saying the year that you desire to travel to aloud three times it would open a hole in the space-time continuum. You also must be milking a cow while wearing a fedora. Once the hole opened up, Hawking leapt inside and crawled through centuries past. He decided the first place he would like to go to Mesopotamia. It was there where he became a chef. Using four of the ten available edible items at the time (one being water) he created a rough version of what we now know as beer. He then traveled back to the 20th century, determined to write books that no one understands.

3. Which of the following myths about beer is not true?
A) It improves your self-esteem
B) It kills brain cells
C) It makes the pain go away
D) It makes you a better driver

Answer: B. To say that beer kills brain cells is inaccurate. Beer is trying to do its job by helping you have fun. Brain cells get in the way of that. So, in a way, it’s self-defense. And no God-fearing jury would convict someone for killing in self-defense. Remember, brain cells are the enemy. They’re only good for reminding you where your keys are and to keep your heart beating.

4. Being an alcoholic can prevent you from getting which job?
A) Postal worker
B) Doctor
C) President
D) Sheriff Of Mars (Cowboy astronaut)

Answer: D. The postal service is very open-minded. Hospitals just want people who have sturdy hands. Former President W. was an inspiration to all alcoholics. But it’s being sheriff of a planet full of renegade Martians that needs your complete attention. Mars wasn’t always the tourist-friendly place that it is today. It used to be full of vigilantes and rustlers that had no concept of law and order. Now with a sheriff at every Mars colony, you can be sure that if anyone turns up dead, a space posse will be rounded up and the murderer will be prosecuted. One small step for cowboy astronauts, one giant leap for Mars colonization.

5. What is beer?
A) A beverage
B) A slice of life
C) A solution
D) All of the above

Answer: D. A more appropriate question is, “What isn’t beer?” Beer isn’t just a drink. It’s been here since the founding of this country. From the signing of the Declaration of Independence to Lollapalooza, it’s been by our side like a loyal dog. A dog that tastes best when served cold.

How did you do?
5 = Good. Not Great.
4 = Great. Not Good. Not great either.
3 = What are you, a commie?
2 = Now you’re just embarrassing yourself.
1 = Good.

– Will

Bar Review – The Riviera

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by thebrewyorker

What happens when you take a Boston Sports Bar and put it smack dab in the middle of the West Village? You wind up with the Riviera, a chill place with a good atmosphere and good times!

YouTube link here.

A Pirate’s Life For Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 26, 2009 by thebrewyorker

Say what you will about pirates – they were rapists, they’re not popular anymore, they haven’t had a winning season since George H.W. Bush was in office – but those bandana-wearing mofo’s knew how to drink. No group of people before or since has ever come close to reaching their prodigious outputs of drunkenness. Devil Bless You, Sirs!

Pirate drinking was an everyday part of life. It helped socialize newcomers, made long stretches of time out at sea bearable and could be used much in the same way that drinking games are used today (“Argh! Aces and Eights! You owe me three drinks!”). Bartholomew Roberts (Black Bart) was himself a teetotaler, and tried to get his crew to relinquish some of their drunken revelry. When his punishments – whipping, keelhauling, fining them each time they drunkenly said “Argh!” – completely failed to control their behavior, he broke down with the rule “drinking to be allowed on the foredeck only”. Kinda like how your parents gave up trying to stop you from drinking in the 7th grade.

All this was, in part, based on necessity. Clean drinking water wasn’t always available in ports. Liquor, on the other hand, was one of the few things on board a ship that never spoiled. It could be traded, consumed, used for bribes, put to medicinal ends, and also mixed with flame to make primitive Molotov cocktails. When mixed with water (the infamous “Grog”), it killed most germs, hydrated and gave a little bit of a buzz. Not bad for a foul-smelling, foul-tasting, evil-inducing beverage.

So, in the spirit of these fine, upstanding individuals, I hereby name this upcoming week “Pirate Drinking Week”. To get you started off, here are some pirate drinks, some songs, and some games. Enjoy, ye mateys, else you wind up in Ol’ Roger’s bosom fer yer scallywagin’ ways! Pirates! ‘Cuz when was the last time you saw a Ninja with wenches?

Drinks

    Grog

1 Part Rum
1 Part Water

Mix. Drink as much as you can stand.

    Thames Water

1 Part Rum
1 Part Whiskey

Mix. Drink as much as you can stand.

    Salutin’ Day

1 Part Rum
1 Part Rum

Don’t bother mixing. Just chug from the bottle.

SONGS

    Whiskey Johnny

Whiskey is the life of man Always was since the world began
Whiskey-o, Johnny-o
John rise her up from down below Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey-o
Up aloft this yard must go John rise her up from down below
Whiskey here, whiskey there Whiskey almost everywhere
Whiskey up and whiskey down Whiskey all around the town
Whiskey killed me poor old dad Whiskey drove me mother mad
(Finish by mumbling incoherently.)

    Traditional Toast

(Take one healthy swig after every line)

One for me mum
One for me brud*
One for me mates
An’ one for me gut!

*Brother, slang for the friend one would have on voyages ashore (like a buddy system, each would hopefully make sure that neither didn’t into TOO much trouble that would get them hung by a judge, shot by another pirate, or into bed with an obvious disease-pot/hag/man).

    The Drinking Chant

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
(Continue until someone finishes a pint of rum)
AAAARRRRRRGH!

GAMES

    Bones

Two-Four-player game. Four-Sixteen dice (depending on amount of players). Everyone gets two dice and a cup. Roll the dice in the cup, and then slam it on the table with a hearty “HAH!” Glance at your cards, but don’t let the other players see. One player (determined by chance) starts off, either stating a number on one of his dice or bluffing. The player to his right must go higher than that, either by saying a higher number on one of his dice, moving up the total of his two dice, or bluffing. Anyone at any point can call a bluff on a single player. If it turns out the player was bluffing, then he pays the total of his bluff (or, in our culture, drinks the total). If he was not bluffing, the caller(s) must drink his total. Play continues until all players are broke and/or comatose.

    Bounding Main

Up to Ten Players, with a deck of 54 cards (52, plus two jokers). Bet pieces o’ eight (if you have ’em), or drinks if you don’t. Dealer flips the first card. Second player bets higher or lower for the next card, which the dealer flips. If he bets right, he wins one from each other player. If not, he puts two in the pot. The third player bets higher or lower than the second player’s card and so on. If at any point, someone pulls a joker, he wins what’s in the pot.

To play with drinks, simply replace pieces o’ eight with coins that represent “Drink One, Asshole” which can be given out at any point in the proceedings.

    The Devil’s Way

Two-player game. One person drinks, then the other. Continue in this manner. The winner is declared when the other vomits, passes out and dies.

– Steele

Truth Is More Plentiful Than Fiction

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2009 by thebrewyorker

The other day I was at a bar with Jake, shooting something. Afterwards we were talking with the bartender. He was talking about how there are hundreds of stories bartenders have relating to drunk people, crazy people, and bars. The bartender said he wanted to collect all these stories and put them in a book. Unfortunately, nobody wanted to talk about them. Didn’t feel comfortable divulging the stories. Understandable, but sad.

We have done a few segments on this site for this series called “Thank You, Alcohol,” where we simply point the camera towards someone and have them tell a crazy alcohol related story. There haven’t been many, because not many people are exactly willing to tell embarrassing stories on camera.

As you can see from Youtube, however, the problem isn’t that there aren’t enough people willing to tell these stories; it’s just that The Brew Yorker doesn’t really have access to these people. Granted, I’m only talking about a very small percentage of Youtube videos that tell a true story, in one of several formats (personal account, documentary, etc). What we begin to see is why the entertainment industry is suffering so much. Truth isn’t just stranger than fiction; it’s more plentiful, more profitable, more accessible, and easier to produce. Reality shows don’t count, obviously.

What does this mean for entertainment and the internet in general? Well, we’re talking about a major revolution in media; one that is in progress, and transforming the world so quickly, no one can keep track. What does this mean for The Brew Yorker? Hopefully more fans…

So the next time you’re out with friends trying to decide what to do, instead of paying $12 a person to see a movie, just go to someone’s apartment and exchange crazy stories for two hours. Chances are, the latter option will be more entertaining. Alternatively, you could just watch Brew Yorker videos for 2 hours…

– David

How To Scam Correctly

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 23, 2009 by thebrewyorker

There’s been a recent scandal in Atlantic City. Several casino owners have been accused of replacing Coors and Miller Genuine Draft with Coors Lite and Miller Lite, respectively. Now, this may be a breach of trust for the consumers, but it’s also been done wrong.

You can’t simply replace one beer with its light component. That’s not scam enough. It may be a slight violation of the customer’s trust, but once they find out what you did, they’ll hate you. But what if instead of just slapping on a new label, you decided to run this thing right? I happen to know something about brewing, and so I thought I’d spend a few minutes, share my wisdom, and help a few untrustworthy gentlemen turn a batch of Budweiser into a delicious keg of Delirium Tremens.

STEP ONE
The first thing you have to do (of course) is remove the top of the keg. This can be accomplished with a simple can opener. Don’t worry about beer coming out of the keg! You’ll need that room to work and any loss of carbonation can be fixed at the end with a few tabs of alka-seltzer!

Figure 1

STEP TWO
Now, there are some differences in the taste and alcohol content of your regular Budweiser and a Delirium Tremens. DT is sweeter and fuller than your Bud, so let’s start out by dropping in a loaf of bread. MMMMM-MMM! Watch that sucker dissolve! You’ll also want to put in a cheap bottle of wine, and after that, you can increase the alcohol content with your house vodka!

Figure 2

STEP THREE
Let’s look at what you have now. A delicious beer, but an open keg. Open keg! Oh no! You can’t possibly serve it like this! But don’t worry, there’s a solution. It’s called: CRAZY GLUE! You’ll want a lot. Don’t worry if the sides of the keg are a little jagged from the can opener, just glob on the glue. As an added bonus, you may impart a bit of the glue’s flavor to your DT! Can someone say, “Win-win?”

Figure 3

STEP FOUR
Now its time for the crucial “re-labeling”. The only advice I can give you here is to use your imagination. Have fun!

Figure 4

STEP FIVE
You’re all done! Now serve your beer to your awaiting public. You’re going to be a huge success! Congratulations!

Figure 5

– Jake