Drinking In The Woods – An Old Plan For A New America

Let’s look at the facts. We are in a recession. A recession, people! Do you know what that means? It means that any day now that recession could grow into a depression. And this isn’t an “I cry a lot and no one likes me, gimme medication” kind of depression. This is the Dust Bowl, Woody Guthrie, “I’ll trade you my grandma for a gallon of milk” kind of depression. Everyone you know will be helpless against this economic disaster. Everything you worked for will be as worthless as an autographed XFL football. The only hope we have is if we sell this country to the Germans and they turn it into a site for their Frankfurt Book Fair. No one can help us. Not even Batman. We’re doomed. And there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: “How is this going to affect my alcohol consumption?”

Lucky for you, it won’t. Thanks to my brilliant plan. It’s time to do away with bars and go back to what we did in high school: Drink in the woods. Why? For starters, bars overprice their drinks. It’s about ten dollars for a drink now. A bottle of their worst beer is about $3.50. But is it worth it? That’s like admitting to them they’ve won. Then they have the nerve to charge a cover for music you don’t want to listen to. You didn’t come to the bar to hear Hide N’ Go Seger: A Tribute To Bob Seger. You came to get drunk. Now you can without all this financial hassle.

You get two six-packs at your local supermarket. That will cost you about ten dollars. Then you go to the woods. That’s free. The total at the end of the evening: Ten dollars and a pair of dirty pants. Who wins in this situation? You do. Not only do you win, America wins. Now, I realize that there are people reading this who live in the city and don’t have any preserves to drink in. That means you’re going to have to improvise. Parks, alleyways and abandoned buildings are all healthy alternatives. Sure, you could also drink in your apartment or home but that means there’s a mess you’ll have to clean in the morning. Personally, I’d rather pollute the Earth than clean up with a hangover.

Now you’re probably saying, “But Will, I don’t go to bars to get drunk. I go to bars for the social scene. Bars are a place for girls and guys to meet other girls and guys.” Here’s the reality: You are never going to pick someone up at a bar. It’s like winning the lottery. Sure it can happen. Yes, it has happened. But the chances of it happening to you are slimmer than an Albanian boy on a raisin diet. First let me say to the fellas, if you want to attract a lady the woods is a prime spot. Nothing impresses a woman more than a man bravely standing up to a raccoon and then chasing it away with a stick. And ladies, no longer will you have to worry about what you’re going to wear on a Saturday night. In the woods it is so dark no one would notice the difference between a wedding gown and a garbage bag. And if the night should progress to physical intimacy, there are many logs to choose from. Remember, great couples have great stories of their first night together.

It’s a plan for the New America. I call it, “The Pretty Good Deal.” Because when all is said and done, it’s a pretty good deal. Of course, it won’t change anything. In fact, it might make things worse. But if this country is going to go down, it should go down drinking.

– Will


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