Making Beer Pong Official

I recently found out that in Norway they made Dance Dance Revolution (a video game) an official sport. I feel like repeating that but I don’t want this article to be redundant. So instead, just read the first sentence again slowly. Norway has done some stupid things in the past – like giving themselves up to Nazi Germany – but this one really takes the cake. Just because something makes you sweat doesn’t necessarily make it a sport. That’s like calling yourself a musician because you know how to play the kazoo. It just doesn’t count.

But soon enough, America will probably buy into this and pretty soon you’re going to see DDR tournaments late at night on ESPN right after the poker championship. You’ll be seeing these machines at your local gym. Future Wheaties boxes will have that fat kid from high school on the cover. They used to call him “lardo,” and now they call him an “athlete.” It’s becoming a scary thought to people that physical activity might actually involve going outside. After all, that’s where reality lives. But let me get to my main point: If a video game is going to be named an official sport, why not beer pong?

Yes, beer pong: the sport of kings. Well, maybe not kings. The sport of town drunks is more accurate. It’s the only game in history where losing is more fun than winning. As oppose to golf, where winning or losing is not as much fun as not playing at all. It can be played both indoors and outdoors, which means the beer pong season would be all year long. It would be combining two of our national pastimes: competitive sports and getting drunk. Beer pong also has the foundations of all major sports. It involves teamwork, precision and a small degree of intelligence. Of course, it goes without mention that steroids would not be permitted to improve your game. After all, it wouldn’t be hard to spot a steroid user in a beer pong game. Just look for the guy whose grip on the pong ball is so tight he’s turning it into ashes. It would also be the only sport that would cause you to gain weight by playing it regularly. Of course, light beer would be strictly prohibited from official games.

It’s just a thought. But wouldn’t this be more exciting to watch than a bunch of stone-faced gambling addicts with cowboy hats playing poker or a group of pimple-faced dorks pretending to dance? I think so. I’d form a petition but I’m just too lazy. I just hope someone reading this will take initiative and go do something about this. If we don’t, Norway has won this battle; that battle being over which country can make the dumbest activity an official sport. We can’t let Norway win, not at something this vital to our national morale. And we have to move quickly before Canada makes pogo-sticking a sport.

– Will


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