The Beer Commandments

After years of searching, archaeologists have finally found what appears to be the Beer Commandments. Richard Heatley, the archaeologist in charge of the dig, said, “It has been a long and arduous search. We lost a lot of good men in the process. They didn’t die. We just lost them. I think one of them we left at a Gulf station when we stopped for jerky.” The search began in 1995 when a piece of papyrus from Ancient Greece with writing on it was finally translated. It read:

Down from the hill he came running. A stone tablet in his hand. He claimed that Silenus, the God of Beer, spoke to him at dawn. Actually, it was closer to one because Silenus is a late sleeper. He told us that written on the tablet were his commandments and that all who should take drink from the sweet elixir of beer shall obey. We thought he was full of crap, so we beat him with our sandals. But upon closer inspection of the tablets we discovered that the penmanship was remarkable. In fact, it was God-like.

After the translation, Heatley gathered fifteen of the smartest and most available minds to search for the tablet. Some said he was crazy. In fact, everybody said he was crazy. That included Heatley’s brother and he’s in the mental institution for trying to give a lobotomy to a basketball. “They were all against me,” Heatley said. “But now they’ll pay. Now they’ll all play. Hey, could you not print that? That’s going to make me look crazy.” The search began in Europe but no luck was found. So they worked their way east until they reached the other side of the globe to the basement of a White Castle in New Jersey. “It turned out the manager had won it at a block party raffle years ago,” Heatley explained. “We’ll never know how it wound up in America. Well, we could find out, but who has that kind of time?”

Silenus was the Greek God of beer and a drinking companion. He was bald, fat and lazy. According to mythologists, he would get so drunk that he had to be carried around by donkeys. Despite this impressive lifestyle, Silenus managed to find the time to deliver six commandments. As mythology dictates he was going to write ten but he blacked out. Here are the six that were found on the tablet:

1) Thou shalt drink to get drunk.
2) Thou shalt bring thine own beer to social gatherings.
3) Thou shalt not put own lips to a beer keg, for health purposes.
4) Thou shalt know thy limit.
5) Thou shalt not be loud and obnoxious.
6) Thou shalt not covet another’s beer. Unless you’re broke.

Silenus’ words ring as true now as they did back when there was no plumbing. It’s no wonder why Zeus had him plan all his birthday parties. As for Heatley, this has been the crowning achievement of his long and uneventful career. “Years of searching for ancient junk that no one cares about has finally paid off,” he said. His life’s work has finally been completed and Silenus’ philosophy has been bestowed to the public. The commandments were recently inducted into the Smithsonian in their new History Of Alcohol Exhibit. They stand in between Alexander The Great’s drinking hat and W.C. Fields’ nose.

– Will

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