Drunk Blackjack

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Everyone knows how to play Blackjack. But when you bring alcohol into the mix, additional rules apply.

RULE 1: 21 IS NOT KING

21 is the highest you can go without busting…sometimes. If the other player can announce his card value with enough bravado, that card value is considered “higher,” “not busted,” and “the fucking winner.” This number varies game to game, but can go as high as the upper forties. Keep in mind, confidence is key; without confidence, you’re just an idiot who doesn’t understand the rules. In the example below, Player 1 wins:

PLAYER 1: “I got 21! Blackjack, motherfucker!”

PLAYER 2: “Wait…I got 32. Isn’t that higher?”

However, in the example below, Player 2 is the winner:

PLAYER 1: “I got 21! Blackjack, motherfucker!”

PLAYER 2; “Yeah? Well, I got 37! You’re a fucking loser!”

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RULE 2: GIMME A POUND!

Once someone accomplishes something significant, such as winning multiple rounds in a row, or winning a round using rule #1, that person must offer up their fist and ask for a “pound.” This involves another person taking his fist and gently pushing it up against the winner. Conservatives might recognize this as a “Terrorist fist jab.”

RULE 3: BURGER KING IS NOT KING

All versions of Drunken Blackjack (and I mean every single goddamn version) involve a Burger King crown. Although crowns are typically associated with victory and power, the crown in this case is a symbol of humility. The person who has lost the most hands must wear the crown, and must participate in at least one self-inflicted act of humility while he has the crown on:

1. ME WANT SEX: If the host is the opposite sex (or same, if you’re into that sort of thing), you must profess your love/lust for the host repeatedly in front of him/her. Should the host become embarrassed, nothing should change; you must continue, until a friend pulls you away.

2. VOMIT ON ME, BABY: This one is pretty self-explanatory; if you throw up in a toilet, it doesn’t count. It must be on a person, preferably a squeamish one.

3. OFFERING OF THE CROWN: Similar to act #1, this involves you offering the crown to someone whom you fancy; it does not necessarily have to be the host. If they refuse the crown, you can offer the following decree: “Think of it as a gift from I, in an altered state of mind, to you, in a not so altered state of mind.”

4. WHERE IS MY FUCKING CROWN, COCKSUCKER?: Should you lose your crown, you must jump up on a table with a corkscrew in your hand, and scream “Which one of you fucking cocksuckers stole my crown?” This will usually result in you getting ejected from the party. You shouldn’t have lost so many games.

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RULE 4: BRUTE FORCE ALWAYS WINS

This is the rule that supersedes all other rules. Although generally used after one has lost many games in a row, it can theoretically be used in any situation. Essentially, this involves destroying the deck in one way or another, whether by ripping up some of the cards, tossing them into a trash can, burning them, or eating them. Whoever does this is declared the winner of all games played. Here’s an example of how it’s used; in the example below, Player 2 wins:

PLAYER 1: Yes! That’s my fifteenth win!

PLAYER 2: Yeah, well, you know what? Fuck you, the game’s over. [takes a bunch of the cards and tosses them on the ground, pissing all over them]

Usage of this rule is often frowned upon. However, it doesn’t matter, because I fucking won, bitch.

SUMMARY

Generally, your best instincts will serve you well in Drunken Blackjack; if a rule doesn’t seem right to you, change it, or ignore it entirely. This is a game meant for enjoyment, after all. The last thing you need is stupid rules getting in your way.

– David

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