4 Ways To Tell That You’re Too Drunk To Drive

Drinking and driving is never acceptable. But sometimes you have no other choice. After all, how else are you going to get to the next bar? You might find it hard to trust your sensibilities and know if you are too drunk to drive. Here are four easy signs you shouldn’t get behind the wheel.

1. Gravity Fails You
At least it might seem that way. Actually, it’s just that you keep falling down. Your equilibrium and balance has disappeared like so many shots of whiskey. This will wind up benefiting you because it will take you longer to get to your car. With any luck, you won’t make it to the door. Your feet, which were once the best of your anatomical friends, are now your sworn enemies. They used to do whatever you told them to but now they move rebelliously like a couple of teamsters. In this situation there is only one solution. The first time you fall down, stay there. In fact, stay there until you fall asleep. You might wake up at your house or in a jail cell, but at least the roads will be safe.

2. Calling The Bartender “Mom”
Remember when you scraped your knee while playing stickball. Afterwards, your mom would get you a band-aid and it wouldn’t hurt as much. Well, now the scraped knee is the tragedy that is your life and the band-aid is alcohol. At least that’s what my therapist says… It was embarrassing enough when you called your second grade teacher “mom,” but to call a bartender “mom” is well past the point of alcoholism. This is a rare one but it’s a sure sign you shouldn’t be driving. It’s also a sure sign that you shouldn’t drink anymore. Here’s how you cover it up. The bartender will say, “What?” You say, “Don. Don Ameche. Whatever happened to him?” “He’s dead.” “Oh, right. Thanks for clearing that up. Can you call me a cab?” Another night saved by Don Ameche.

3. Your Pants Are Missing

You have your keys. You have your wallet. Just one thing missing: Your pants. There are many mysteries to life but losing your pants at a bar is one of the most discussed. If you can’t remember where your pants went then not only shouldn’t you drive a car, you shouldn’t own a car. It’s obvious that you have a severe drinking problem and your prone to blackouts. When I leave the house, the first thing I check is that I’m wearing pants. That’s just the way I am. Call me old-fashioned. Of course this problem fixes itself because I assume that most people possess shame and would not leave the bar until this problem is resolved. But then again, we live in the age of reality television.

4. People Are Telling You You’re Too Drunk To Drive
Sometimes the best answer is also the simplest. Chances are if someone is telling you that you shouldn’t be driving, you shouldn’t be driving. Especially if they’re holding you down and throwing your keys into the bushes. Call a cab and leave with dignity. Unless you still can’t find your pants.

– Will


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