How To Scam Correctly

There’s been a recent scandal in Atlantic City. Several casino owners have been accused of replacing Coors and Miller Genuine Draft with Coors Lite and Miller Lite, respectively. Now, this may be a breach of trust for the consumers, but it’s also been done wrong.

You can’t simply replace one beer with its light component. That’s not scam enough. It may be a slight violation of the customer’s trust, but once they find out what you did, they’ll hate you. But what if instead of just slapping on a new label, you decided to run this thing right? I happen to know something about brewing, and so I thought I’d spend a few minutes, share my wisdom, and help a few untrustworthy gentlemen turn a batch of Budweiser into a delicious keg of Delirium Tremens.

STEP ONE
The first thing you have to do (of course) is remove the top of the keg. This can be accomplished with a simple can opener. Don’t worry about beer coming out of the keg! You’ll need that room to work and any loss of carbonation can be fixed at the end with a few tabs of alka-seltzer!

Figure 1

STEP TWO
Now, there are some differences in the taste and alcohol content of your regular Budweiser and a Delirium Tremens. DT is sweeter and fuller than your Bud, so let’s start out by dropping in a loaf of bread. MMMMM-MMM! Watch that sucker dissolve! You’ll also want to put in a cheap bottle of wine, and after that, you can increase the alcohol content with your house vodka!

Figure 2

STEP THREE
Let’s look at what you have now. A delicious beer, but an open keg. Open keg! Oh no! You can’t possibly serve it like this! But don’t worry, there’s a solution. It’s called: CRAZY GLUE! You’ll want a lot. Don’t worry if the sides of the keg are a little jagged from the can opener, just glob on the glue. As an added bonus, you may impart a bit of the glue’s flavor to your DT! Can someone say, “Win-win?”

Figure 3

STEP FOUR
Now its time for the crucial “re-labeling”. The only advice I can give you here is to use your imagination. Have fun!

Figure 4

STEP FIVE
You’re all done! Now serve your beer to your awaiting public. You’re going to be a huge success! Congratulations!

Figure 5

– Jake

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