What You Can Do With O’Doul’s

After my article on the uselessness of O’Doul’s Non-Alcoholic “beer” last week, I received a communiqué from the Anheuser-Busch Family Friendly PR Group. I was informed by them that, although every single point I’d brought up about the swill was correct, there were in fact a few reasons that some should be kept handy, just in case. Because I love you people so much, I’m going to share those THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH O’DOUL’S.

Wash Your Hands
Some people live in areas where the water is unclean. My old house in upstate New York had pipes that were pretty much made out of solid sulfur, and any form of washing meant the stench of hell would pervade your abode. That’s why Anheuser-Busch, the makers of O’Doul’s, recommend using O’Doul’s as a cleaning product. Simply crack open the can, liberally moisten your hands, lather, and rinse using the rest of the can. The carbonation within the can will make you think you’re getting yourself even cleaner than you actually are. And since the stuff is so foul, you can rest assured that nothing has ever lived in it! O’Doul’s: Premium Non-Alcoholic Household Washing Medium.

Target Practice
Shooting down old cans is an essential American experience. Whether you’re using small caliber or high caliber, we can all agree that it’s a fun experience for the whole family. But everyone always shoots at empty cans, and where’s the fun in that? If you’ve never taken a full can, placed it a safe distance away, and then fired a single shot through its body, you haven’t really lived. The plume of carbonated beverage that will leap through the body will stimulate your senses and enliven your mind. You may even find yourself using words like “enliven”. And when you use a can of O’Doul’s, you can rest assured that you won’t be wasting a single drop of precious alcohol. O’Doul’s: Premium Non-Alcoholic Target Practice.

Teaching the Kids
If you’ve lived in this country a while, you know that it’s illegal for children to drink alcohol. It’s a shame to be sure. As anyone knows, the only way men can ever truly bond is over a beer, so how are you ever going to get to know your kids without one? Did you know that O’Doul’s is a great way to get your kids in the habit of drinking without giving them alcohol poisoning? It’s true! Drinking with young children will make them more likely to indulge in alcohol themselves one day, and it will ensure that they know how to clean vomit out of your rug when you one day need them to. O’Doul’s: Premium Child-Rearing Fluid.

You know what you can also do with O’Doul’s? Tell your friends it’s real beer. That’s right! As long as you supply the glasses, they may not notice what you’re pouring into them. Or, you can all just take turns throwing the cans at your nearest Budweiser seller. That’s the joy of O’Doul’s: Premium Waste.

– Jake


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