Five O’Clock World

We’ve all heard the phrase, “It must be five o’clock somewhere.” The phrase means that somewhere in the world it must be five o’clock, which is the designated time for when it’s okay to start drinking, so it’s okay to drink now. This implies that it’s not right to drink before five. I disagree. So, I present to you four situations where it is perfectly fine to drink before five.

1. If Your Plane Is About To Crash
They say you are more likely to get into car accident than a plane crash. But a car accident doesn’t guarantee certain death. So if your plane is plummeting at 1,000 mph and directed towards the Atlantic Ocean, are you going to say to yourself, “I’d really like a drink. But it’s only 4:30!” Push the flight attendant to the ground, grab the drink cart and hold onto it like it was your only child.

2. Waiting On Line At The DMV
You’d be stupid not to do this. The DMV is a hot, sweaty dungeon filled with people who didn’t have time to shower and employees that like to take their sweet time with…well, everything. This is a perfect time to bring your flask that got for your twenty-first birthday. Tuck it into your pants, but don’t even bother hiding the fact that you’re drinking it. After all, the employees are pretty loaded themselves.

3. Watching A Matinee Showing Of “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button”
“The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button,” is a two and half hour-long movie where absolutely nothing happens. The only thing “curious” about it is wondering how many sedatives they gave Brad Pitt in order to deliver the most one-dimensional performance on celluloid. Get an extra large coke and empty out half of the coke on the head of the person in front of you. Then fill the remainder of the cup with alcohol. This should numb all your senses, including the sense that this movie is a waste of time.

4. Just Drink
Who made this five o’clock rule? “They” probably did. This is the same “they” that says you shouldn’t pee in the shower or shoot up heroin with a hooker in a playground. The establishment wants to slowly take away the freedoms that make this country great. So, take a look at the clock and ask yourself, “Do you feel like drinking?” If the answer is yes, it shouldn’t matter that it’s noon…and it’s Sunday…and you’re at church…at your own wedding. You are your own person with your own internal clock. You know when you feel like drinking, so drink up, America. And while we’re at it let’s start eating raw meat again. Just an idea.

– Will

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One Response to “Five O’Clock World”

  1. You had me lol’ing with this one. Especially the wedding part. A successful wedding is one where everyone is drunk anyway, right?

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