A Warning From Coffee-Lover’s Past

Did you know that Starbucks, the company that first brought coffee to America, is now considering bringing beer and wine into their stores? It’s true! Apparently, business is getting to be so bad for Starbucks that they’ve decided to become like “European coffee houses” and sell beer and wine. Maybe they should instead try and be like European Coffee Houses by selling good coffee? But I digress.

You know what the thing is about Starbucks selling beer and wine, because it’s not like they’re going to make the stuff, the beer and wine will, I’m sure, be fine. The thing is, I can’t really imagine drinking a beer while sitting around listening to Ani Difranco’s latest attempt to cover the Allman Brothers.

Beer is meant to be drunk in places that are dark and dingy and loud because too many people are screaming so that they can be heard above all the noisy people. It’s not meant for places where the loudest sound is the industrial strength espresso machine screaming, some new mother reading some shitty book by some shittier female poet, and four guys with beards talking about the movie they want to film in Central Park which’ll be like… totally new wave, man.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with drinking coffee and then drinking beer, or drinking beer and then drinking coffee. Even though I think that stimulants and depressants shouldn’t be mixed, when stacked on top of each other, you can really self-medicate with style. And I’m a big fan of places where I can drink a beer or a coffee, as long as both are decent and affordable. And in Starbucks, they probably won’t be, but that’s not really the problem either.

Starbucks shouldn’t sell beer. Not because beer shouldn’t be sold in coffee shops, but because I don’t want my most easily accessible neighborhood bar to be that fucking place. Because you know your friends are lazy. You know every one of them is just sitting around going, “But around the block is too far. Let’s just go to Starbucks instead.” They’ll do it. You know they will. Maybe it’ll be your fault, you Starbucks loving motherfucker. And then, the tenor of your drinking games will change. It won’t be quarters anymore, it’ll by pieces of rosewood that have been painted pretty and farted on by some Yuppie band that thinks they’re in the spirit of the 60s but is just waiting for Abercrombie and Fitch to realize that even though their voices are cats yowling their faces are in that angelic no-emotion dead child look and would be great for their next ad campaign. Because that’s what’s coming folks. That exact situation. Down to the word.

Starbucks already ruined coffee in this country. Burning all the flavor out of every single one of their beans and then bragging that they’re Arabica, bastards hardly know the meaning of the word. I mean, I’m sure they know the meaning; it’s not complicated but- anyway. They already wrecked this nation’s pallet for coffee. They will take beer away from me over my dead and bloated corpse. Who’s with me?

– Jake


One Response to “A Warning From Coffee-Lover’s Past”

  1. Ha! I love this and completely agree. Though think of the high schoolers, Jake. We always hung out at Starbucks in high school. I can’t IMAGINE what life would have been like if there was a possibility of beer. It would have been heavenly. But, since I’m no longer in high school–fuck it!

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