I Hate Timothy Von Trapp Muloney

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH…I hate Timothy Von Trapp Muloney! He is the Chief Operating Officer of Annheiser-Busch, and he is responsible for the increasing prices in beer that have occurred over the past few months!!!!!! Consequently I am no longer able to drink as much as I used too! And because I am more sober, I am thinking more about the horrors of reality! And it’s all Timothy’s fault!

TIMOTHY IS A NAZI TELETUBBY ROBOT NINJA ASSASSIN!!!!!!!!!!

When I was ten years old, I drank so much beer I thought I was superhuman Nancy Kerrigan come back from the dead to avenge my knee! It was the greatest feeling of my life, second only to the time I lost my virginity to a vivacious cocker-spaniel in heat. These moments are rare, but precious. The consequence of heavily consuming beer. But that has all changed, thanks to the actions of Timothy Von Trapp Muloney!

TIMOTHY IS A MUTANT NARWHAL REPUBLICAN SAMURAI FISHMONGER!!!!!!!!!!

Three years ago, I consumed roughly eighteen gallons of Coors Light over the course of four days, and got in a knife fight with a werewolf in the catskills. These memories, where I battle the creatures of the underworld while struggling to remain conscious and standing, are not the happiest of my life, but they are mine to make. Who does Timothy think he is, forcing me to approach these fights with more focus and awareness, or perhaps to stop imagining them all together? I am furious beyond belief at this horrible twisting of fate. DAMN YOU, FATE! DAMN YOU, TIMOTHY!

TIMOTHY IS A HERETICAL BIPEDAL AUTONOMOUS FOOT SPRAY!!!!!!!

You know what we must do, right? We must kill him! Kill him using an electrical fire started with a lava lamp and a Sony Cassette Player, model # 4D306Z. Only then shall we be free! Free from these horrendous prices!

– David

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