Journal Of An Obnoxious Drunk

February, 20th

3 A.M.

Well, it happened again today. They threw me out of the bar again for yelling at the bartender. I just wanted to tell her that I would like to sleep with her later, but the music was too loud. Afterwards, I went to the diner. I asked the waitress what the specials were. She told me and then I just ordered water. You should have seen the look on her face. The manager told me that I had to order something other than that or I had to leave. I told him he has to order something or he has to leave. Then I gave him the finger. I got out of there before he called the cops.

I decided to go to my friend Carl’s house to see if he had any beer in the fridge. His girlfriend answered the door. I asked her if she had any beer. She asked me if I knew what time it was. I asked what that had to do with beer. She slammed the door on me, so I kept ringing the doorbell. Then that reminded me of that song, “Ring My Bell,” so I started signing it really loud. Then Carl came to the door. He told me that his girlfriend had work in the morning so I should stop the noise. I asked him if I could see her naked and he slammed the door on me.

As I write this, I’m slowly realizing something. The nature of friendship is to care for another and be there when that person is in need. I was in need today and my friends turned their backs on me. Sometimes I think I don’t belong in this world and I dream of a land where people will accept me for who I am. They will let me sing off-key, vomit in their cars and make awkward passes at their sisters. Am I not a human being? When you tickle me, do I not laugh? When I do five Irish car-bombs in a row, do I not remember my name? I will not stop dreaming until this becomes a reality. Maybe when I wake up, it will come true. After all, tomorrow is another day.

P.S. I peed the bed again.

– Will


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