World Series Of Beer Pong = Beer Pong For Pussies

So apparently, there’s a world series of Beer Pong out there. It was started by some guys who wanted to make money promoting Beer Pong. At the time, they’d been playing beer pong four or five nights a week. I think that all these things match up.

Now, I have no problem with having a world series for Beer Pong. In fact, part of me likes the idea. But the part of me that likes the idea is sort of the same part of me that really likes watching sick people vomit and laughing at them, and the world series of beer pong people have cocked that right up by allowing the cups to be filled with water. That is bullshit on a stick.

In a recent article in seattlepi.com, Duncan Carroll, the founder of bpong.com, the home of the World Series of Beer Pong, spoke about the game. “We may not have invented Beer Pong,” he says, “but we did take it to the next level.” Hey Duncan. Fuck you. You do not remove the beer from Beer Pong and then claim that you’ve improved it. You do not make it so that each game, each person on the team is only drinking down one beer and say that you’ve taken it to the next level. Because you’re wrong about Beer Pong. It’s not about “the skill of the competitors in the skill sport of Beer Pong,” you’re an idiot for thinking that and a bigger idiot for saying it. Beer Pong is about getting fucked up and probably also sharing Herpes with all your frat brothers because you’ve been bouncing that same fucking ball across the table where Marty puked last night after he was done making out with that chick Leslie who had Herpes.

What makes Beer Pong fun is that you can’t lose. Either you win the game, or you get to drink beer. That’s about as win-win a scenario as I can imagine. But you don’t know that anymore, Duncan, because you insist that there be no more than 4 oz of beer in each of your little cups, and no more than 48 oz of beer on the table for four people. You have lost. Beer Pong is, say it with me now, Duncan, a DRINKING GAME. The next level is not “c’mon guys, everyone just drinks one beer.” The next level of Beer Pong is fucking Whiskey Pong.

Maybe some of you think I’m being too harsh on old Duncan. You’re thinking, “Jake, c’mon, lots of people like Beer Pong. This is capitalism, find a niche and fill it.” And I’d agree with you, if it weren’t for the fact that Duncan sits around his home practicing using cups filled with water. No. I’m sorry. You are now a solid gold douche.

What great drinking activity are you and your buddies going to pussify next, Duncan? Maybe you’ll create the Orange Juice Century Club? How about Edward Fuji Hands – (with twine instead of duct tape, of course)? Maybe we’ll all have a nice waterfall, and just gleefully pound down a cold cup of water! Joy of fucking joys. Maybe we’ll all play quarters, but we’ll scrub our quarters down with a nice anti-bacterial soap between every flick, would that make you feel better, Duncan?

I’m not the biggest fan of Beer Pong in the world, I’ve played a few rounds in my day, I went to college too, but this is just bullshit. If you want to improve Beer Pong, find a way to make the ball clean. Replace that cup of water with a cup of Everclear, because nothing can survive a dip in a vat of Everclear, try it sometime with your cat.

Incidentally, Beer Pong will be played at our upcoming Brew Yorker party, which you should all come to. Except for Duncan. He’s now officially a douche.

– Jake

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3 Responses to “World Series Of Beer Pong = Beer Pong For Pussies”

  1. Jake,

    Glad to see you took some time out from your octobong to inform me of my new status. Seriously though, were you sniffing glue when you wrote this?

    Sincerely,

    Duncan

  2. Dearest Duncan,
    You’re very welcome.

    Love,
    Jake

  3. ibounce,youdrinkX2 Says:

    +1 agree 100% duncan i can see you dint forget to put on your panties!

    i think we shouldn’t allow light beer just for the fact that i can only get full off that stuff. oh i once played tequila pong.

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