The Brown Paper Bag

I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of disguising a beer bottle in a brown paper bag. People do it all the time in order to drink while outside; a thrill that never seemed to appeal too much to me, but to each his own. However, I always wondered how it was that cops never caught on; if someone’s drinking something out of a brown paper bag, surely it’s not Pepsi. Well, I finally discovered the secret the other day.

I have this friend, Ray Burr. He’s a cop. Anyway, Ray and I were eating Chinese food and watching “House, M.D.” in my apartment. I figured that, having completed the main meal, it was time to enjoy a much deserved fortune cookie. I reach into the brown paper bag the food was delivered in. Ray looks over at me, and screams “HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHERE DID YOUR HAND GO?” Before I knew it, he had run to the bathroom and came back with half the supplies in my medicine cabinet. As he poured Hydrogen Peroxide over my hand while sobbing and screaming something about his former partner, I tried to convince him that my hand was still there; after all, he was pouring Hydrogen Peroxide on it, as opposed to nothing. Soon, he understood what I was trying to say.

After this display, he was certainly quite embarrassed. He began apologizing profusely, and while at first I only wanted him to forget about it, I eventually decided that now was the perfect time to ask him why he thought my hand had vanished. Being in an emotional state, he quickly explained what I found out was actually a pretty big secret. Are you ready?

Cops can’t see ANYTHING if it’s behind a brown paper bag.

And it’s not just limited to actual brown paper bags. It’s the material. If you have a long sheet of brown paper, you could hide behind it if cops are looking for you. Heck, if you really want, you could build a suit out of brown paper, and you’d be invisible to cops.

I’m actually planning on testing this theory out next week. Funny enough, there are a few things I need from the police station down the block from where I live. This may be my chance to finally reclaim them. I’ll follow up with the results of my mission next week. Until then, remember the magic of brown paper bags.

-David

P.S.: The fortune from my fortune cookie read “Important in your bed, would be living the goods of others.” I’m not sure what “goods” other people are leaving in my bed, but I think that’s something I should look into.

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