Bringing The Beer Summit Global

Now that racial tensions have been soothed forever again by President Barack Obama and his now legendary “beer summit”, I think it’s time to see what kind of wings this idea has and… let it fly. Let’s bring this motherfucker global.

Peace in Central Asia
When India threw off the yoke of British oppression back in 1947, a group in India felt they weren’t represented in the country. These people, after helping India free themselves from Britain requested their own nation, and they got it. Pakistan. But strife and ethnic discomforts have long haunted the region. And now that both nations have attained nuclear status, the entire world has become at jeopardy due to two angry nations of little people pointing really big guns at each other. Well not anymore! Now that President Barack Obama has shown us how to do a beer summit, we’re going to sooth these ethnic tensions. Manmohan Singh calls up Asif Ali Zardari, and he’s all, “Yo! Why don’t you drop on by my capital and we have a brewski?” (except, of course, he says it in Hindi… no no… French) And then, Asif comes over, and Manmohan opens up a big ass bottle of Taj Mahal, and Zardari opens up… what’s a good Pakistani beer? Well there’s gotta be one, I mean. So they’re an Islamic country, what’s that got to do with it? Oh. Huh. Okay, moving on.

Peace in Utah
For years, splinter groups from the church of Latter Day Saints have become more and more extreme, sometimes becoming a problem for the entire United States, like in the past year when that colony of them was flushed out. Utah is burning, and it’s time to quell that flame with magic foaming bubbles of booze! What the fuck do you mean, “Mormons don’t drink.” Okay. How about they just sit down for a cup of coffee. Seriously? You’re joking. Oy.

Peace in the Middle East
Okay. This one is going to work. Ever since the creation of the state of Israel, there have been problems between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Well, no more! Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu get together to drink Goldstar and… FUCK! More fucking… okay. MOVING ON.

Peace in the World
Ever since the US’s new age of Imperialism in the 1960s through 80s, we’ve been pissing off just about everyone who lives in the sand. That hatred has spread out to pretty much everyone who looks like us and fights on our side. Except the French. Everyone who hates the French hates them for completely different reasons. Anyway, most recently, the haters have reared their ugly head in the form of Osama bin Ladin and his Al Qaeda movement. Now, I think it’s time for Barack Obama to invite whoever the hell is now heading Al Qaeda to the white house for a beer. Gordon Brown’ll come, maybe Nouri al-Maliki – It’ll work! Really! I mean… you mean they don’t either? Really?

I’m noticing a trend.

– Jake


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