Archive for Baseball

Things You Can Throw

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 19, 2009 by thebrewyorker

This past week, the Philadelphia Phillies, led by Pedro Martinez, destroyed the Cubs in a 12-5 game. One cubs fan was so upset that in the fifth inning, he threw his beer at outfielder, Shane Victoriano. Baseball fans are not the only people out there who should be annoyed at the offending Cubs fan, Johnny Macchione. I think I echo the sentiment of every moral person out there when I ask how the hell a man could waste beer like that during the recession?


1) Your Keys – Since you’re already committed to being a douche, you might as well be a confident douche. Throwing your keys sends a powerful message. It says that you are unafraid to be recognized for your actions. It says, “I am willing to cause true damage to a player.” It says, “You want a ride home, sexy?” And most of all, it says, “Hey, can I get those back?”

2) A ball – The ultimate in the stealthy move, bringing a ball of your own to the field will never be noticed, until there’s two balls in center field. Imagine the Benny Hill antics that will emerge when in your drunken rage, you bean a surprised outfielder from the stands. Think about how much fun it’ll be when he gets up woozily and can’t remember which is the ball he’s supposed to be playing with! And hey, if anyone ever gets upset with you for it, just tell them you thought this was just part of the game. Anyone around will be able to back you up on the idea that you’re a moron.

3) Children – Kids getting you down? We all know how it is, by the seventh inning, they’re yawning, they’re complaining they want something to eat and you’re too busy to buy them a seven-dollar pretzel. Why not give them the experience that every child dreams of and drop them on top of a major league ball player? Little Timmy/Sally will have such a blast when the realization hits that he/she is actually on the field where the game is happening! And what’s the player going to do? Throw them back? Oh no! That kid is going to the dugout to meet the team! That kid is going to be on the news! And hey, if the kid actually gets hurt, at least it’s your genetic line that you’re disabling, and I think we can all agree that’s a good thing.

4) Fucking Nothing – And then again, here’s an idea. Instead of your beer, why don’t you just sit the fuck down and not be a nuisance? And who is the team that all this is surrounding? Once again, it’s the mother-fucking Cubs. You know, I think folks cut Cubs fans a bit too much slack. Every year, they’re doing something retarded. I know your team hasn’t won in over 100 years, but if you can’t watch the game without getting into a retarded fury and throwing shit at the players or having an exorcism at the stadium or repeatedly littering the field with detritus over collective annoyance, it’s time to take up knitting.

– Jake


Our National Pride

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 11, 2009 by thebrewyorker

I have been concerned with the recent decline in American values. Teenagers are getting pregnant, drugs are sold on a daily basis and Transformers is the number one movie. But lately, my biggest concern is the steroid use in baseball. What was once a great American pastime is now a national embarrassment. Even worse than the Jonas Brothers. Sports like baseball used to mean something. It used to be about running around in a circle while people threw peanuts at you.

So, let me offer some amateur advice to these baseball players: You all remember a guy named Babe Ruth, right? What do you think made him so great? What was it that made him deserving of the name Sultan? You guessed it: Beer. Back in the old days they didn’t have steroids to enhance their game. Instead, they had beer: a healthy and all-American alternative. I suggest we bring back the spirit of the game and turn the players into the drunken slobs they used to be.

The Babe, Mickey Mantle and a slew of other baseball greats proved that alcohol not only enhances your game, but it also guarantees an incredible legacy. They might as well make Cooperstown a Hall Of Fame/Brewery. These youngsters have to realize that every time they inject steroids into their system, they’re spitting in the face of history. It’s their duty as professionals to not only play to the best of their ability, but also do a keg stand before they do so.

I don’t mean to sound old-fashioned. History isn’t the only reason to bring beer back into baseball. It would also make the game more fun. It would add more drama to the field. Let’s say the batter hits a single. Will he run to first? Will he get confused and run to third? Will he pass out? The possibilities are endless. I don’t want to limit the drinking to only the players. Both coaches and umpires should take part in this. Picture this: A man on first goes to steal second. The umpire calls him safe. The problem is that the man didn’t even reach the bag yet. The manager staggers onto the field in a drunken rage, shouting at the umpire. They yell at each other, but five minutes later they’re crying and hugging. That’s great baseball.

America can’t rely on much these days. We can’t even enjoy the simple pleasures like rolling around in a pigsty in Cancun. Can we at least keep our baseball pure? A hundred years of frothy tradition dripping down the cup of athletic pride. America, our cup not runneth over. Our cup is empty. A little booze is all we need…and maybe some cocaine.

– Will