Archive for Jake Dickerman

Lesser Dangers: Episode 2

Posted in Fun... with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2009 by thebrewyorker

You have been warned. Repeatedly. Yet still you commit errors whilst heavily drinking. We’ll tell you one more time, but this is it: beware!

Youtube link here.

Things You Can Throw

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 19, 2009 by thebrewyorker

This past week, the Philadelphia Phillies, led by Pedro Martinez, destroyed the Cubs in a 12-5 game. One cubs fan was so upset that in the fifth inning, he threw his beer at outfielder, Shane Victoriano. Baseball fans are not the only people out there who should be annoyed at the offending Cubs fan, Johnny Macchione. I think I echo the sentiment of every moral person out there when I ask how the hell a man could waste beer like that during the recession?

THINGS TO THROW AT THE FIELD BEFORE YOUR BEER

1) Your Keys – Since you’re already committed to being a douche, you might as well be a confident douche. Throwing your keys sends a powerful message. It says that you are unafraid to be recognized for your actions. It says, “I am willing to cause true damage to a player.” It says, “You want a ride home, sexy?” And most of all, it says, “Hey, can I get those back?”

2) A ball – The ultimate in the stealthy move, bringing a ball of your own to the field will never be noticed, until there’s two balls in center field. Imagine the Benny Hill antics that will emerge when in your drunken rage, you bean a surprised outfielder from the stands. Think about how much fun it’ll be when he gets up woozily and can’t remember which is the ball he’s supposed to be playing with! And hey, if anyone ever gets upset with you for it, just tell them you thought this was just part of the game. Anyone around will be able to back you up on the idea that you’re a moron.

3) Children – Kids getting you down? We all know how it is, by the seventh inning, they’re yawning, they’re complaining they want something to eat and you’re too busy to buy them a seven-dollar pretzel. Why not give them the experience that every child dreams of and drop them on top of a major league ball player? Little Timmy/Sally will have such a blast when the realization hits that he/she is actually on the field where the game is happening! And what’s the player going to do? Throw them back? Oh no! That kid is going to the dugout to meet the team! That kid is going to be on the news! And hey, if the kid actually gets hurt, at least it’s your genetic line that you’re disabling, and I think we can all agree that’s a good thing.

4) Fucking Nothing – And then again, here’s an idea. Instead of your beer, why don’t you just sit the fuck down and not be a nuisance? And who is the team that all this is surrounding? Once again, it’s the mother-fucking Cubs. You know, I think folks cut Cubs fans a bit too much slack. Every year, they’re doing something retarded. I know your team hasn’t won in over 100 years, but if you can’t watch the game without getting into a retarded fury and throwing shit at the players or having an exorcism at the stadium or repeatedly littering the field with detritus over collective annoyance, it’s time to take up knitting.

– Jake

George and Gracie

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2009 by thebrewyorker

We’ve all been put into difficult situations by our friends. Let the Brew Yorker help you out in such a place!

YouTube link here.

Being Bold

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 11, 2009 by thebrewyorker

The different writers for the Brew Yorker write their blogs in fairly different ways. Will takes all the things he’s pissed off about at the moment, sticks them in a big hat and pulls one out, peas on it, burns it, and then has someone else read it to him; David takes various memories, rips them out of his skull, crushes them up and snorts them with a cocaine chaser; Steele finds obscure pages from history books from countries where he doesn’t actually speak the language and convinces himself that he’s figured out the story; and I read the news.

The problem I’m now encountering is that, although I realized that a week and a half devoted to Barack Obama having a beer with a Harvard professor and the cop who arrested said professor in his own house was quite enough coverage, I seem to be the Cassandra (mythical Trojan cursed with prophetic dreams that would never be believed by anyone – from now on, we will consider The Illiad to be on your reading list) of that point.

So this week, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to find an article about the president’s beer summit and pretend that it’s about something else.

Okay… let’s see… from OregonLive.com – “Beer summit: Taking bolder steps in debate on race in US”.

ALASKA – The heated debate on the great Bud/Coors “Race to the Summit” at Mount McKinley gained steam this week as members of MADD began protesting on the foot of the mountain. The climb has been controversial, ever since Peter Coors and Dave Peacock began arguing over whether Coors or Budweiser would be better fuel to a hiker trying to climb the highest mountain in North America. The two expeditions were quickly funded, and although the greater climbing community was disconcerted by the size of each expedition, Coors and Peacock pointed out how many beers the leader of each expedition would have to be consuming daily, and explained that the options were either to hire 15 extra members of each expedition who’s only job was to carry beer, or to blow up part of the mountain and build a bar.

The MADD protest began yesterday morning when MADD president Laura Dean-Mooney pointed out that with these men consuming 20 beers a day each, if either of them found a car on top of that mountain, it would be dangerous. Said Ms. Dean-Mooney, “So what that there aren’t many humans on Mount McKinley, there could still be cars, we don’t know what happens up there. There could be moose cars, bear cars, and if there’s cars, there’s driving, and if these men are around driving, than it is drunk driving! We must stop this awful drinking up the mountain race!”

Spokesmen for Molson-Coors and Anheuser-Busch both insisted that the men would not be driving while on the mountain. They also requested that we avoid looking at the helicopters carrying H2s circling the peak.

– Jake

Bar Review – Manitoba’s

Posted in Bar or Beer Review with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2009 by thebrewyorker

A fun, old school New York bar in the East Village where the drinks are cheap, the atmosphere rocks, and there’s always something going on. We have Clare Goggin from Beer Goggins to help us out, too!

YouTube link here.

Bringing The Beer Summit Global

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 4, 2009 by thebrewyorker

Now that racial tensions have been soothed forever again by President Barack Obama and his now legendary “beer summit”, I think it’s time to see what kind of wings this idea has and… let it fly. Let’s bring this motherfucker global.

Peace in Central Asia
When India threw off the yoke of British oppression back in 1947, a group in India felt they weren’t represented in the country. These people, after helping India free themselves from Britain requested their own nation, and they got it. Pakistan. But strife and ethnic discomforts have long haunted the region. And now that both nations have attained nuclear status, the entire world has become at jeopardy due to two angry nations of little people pointing really big guns at each other. Well not anymore! Now that President Barack Obama has shown us how to do a beer summit, we’re going to sooth these ethnic tensions. Manmohan Singh calls up Asif Ali Zardari, and he’s all, “Yo! Why don’t you drop on by my capital and we have a brewski?” (except, of course, he says it in Hindi… no no… French) And then, Asif comes over, and Manmohan opens up a big ass bottle of Taj Mahal, and Zardari opens up… what’s a good Pakistani beer? Well there’s gotta be one, I mean. So they’re an Islamic country, what’s that got to do with it? Oh. Huh. Okay, moving on.

Peace in Utah
For years, splinter groups from the church of Latter Day Saints have become more and more extreme, sometimes becoming a problem for the entire United States, like in the past year when that colony of them was flushed out. Utah is burning, and it’s time to quell that flame with magic foaming bubbles of booze! What the fuck do you mean, “Mormons don’t drink.” Okay. How about they just sit down for a cup of coffee. Seriously? You’re joking. Oy.

Peace in the Middle East
Okay. This one is going to work. Ever since the creation of the state of Israel, there have been problems between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Well, no more! Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu get together to drink Goldstar and… FUCK! More fucking… okay. MOVING ON.

Peace in the World
Ever since the US’s new age of Imperialism in the 1960s through 80s, we’ve been pissing off just about everyone who lives in the sand. That hatred has spread out to pretty much everyone who looks like us and fights on our side. Except the French. Everyone who hates the French hates them for completely different reasons. Anyway, most recently, the haters have reared their ugly head in the form of Osama bin Ladin and his Al Qaeda movement. Now, I think it’s time for Barack Obama to invite whoever the hell is now heading Al Qaeda to the white house for a beer. Gordon Brown’ll come, maybe Nouri al-Maliki – It’ll work! Really! I mean… you mean they don’t either? Really?

I’m noticing a trend.

– Jake

The Presidential Beer Party, and What It Means for America

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 30, 2009 by thebrewyorker

We all know about the incident with Henry “Skip” Gates, Sgt. James Crowley, and our man, Barack Obama.   Some yelling happened, some arresting of a respected Harvard professor in his own house was involved, a president trying to change our healthcare system for the better was asked a bullshit question when he wasn’t quite ready for it – the whole thing’s been a bit of a kerfuffle.  But tonight, they will settle it with beer.  The question’s been on everyone’s mind.  What beer?  Will they go local?  Will they be good choices?  Well, the tally’s in and it’s… no… no… yes.

I got an e-mail this morning from my buddy Patrick, and together, we broke down what this all means, and what should have happened.

Obama: Choice – Bud Light

Pat: After many years of drinking Budweiser as a price-point/identity thing (cheap, straightforward, no would-be hipness to it), I’ve come to find it a bit oppressive. I drink it, but sort of revolt when someone takes a six-pack of Bud tallboys out of the bag. (For what it’s worth, I’ve switched to regular Coors (not light), ever since I discovered the 99-cent 24 oz. can. Bud Lite, of course, is ridiculous. I drink it too, from time to time, but to choose it as a totem … Obama is either a female collegiate soccer player or a boring, wimpy yuppy.

Jake: Bud Light?  For Barack Obama?  This is just wrong.  This is meant to be the president of change!  The president who will bring us away from this time of Corporate Oligarchies and into an enlightened age of small business owners! Damn you, Barack Obama!

What should Obama Drink?

Jake: Small business America
Pat: Presidente

Crowley: Choice – Blue Moon

Pat: Never really got on board with Blue Moon, the taste is a little fruity for me, my take is that it had some cachet for a time as a fancy beer for regular prices—it sort of allows you the sensibility of drinking Chimay, etc., without having to shell out. But I really don’t see so much Blue Moon any more. That a cop would choose it is sort of funny—”Blue Moon” sounds like the name of the gay bar Harris and Proctor would happen into in a Police Academy movie. Maybe a sort of cynical PR move—”I’ll show ’em how refined I am,” only its not really that refined. On the other hand, maybe he really likes the stuff, which is at least possible, as opposed to Barry and his Bud Lite.

Jake: Blue Moon is not a bad beer, but it’s actually owned by Coors.  Once again, the president is shelling out bucks to the man.  Mother-fuckers.  Going out supporting all those corporations.  I never believed that 9-11 was a conspiracy until this moment!  It’s all been made clear to me now!  I understand!  I get it!  “Loose Change” is obviously a work of staggering genius! Someone get those boys a medal!  Also, I’ll bet you he takes his beer with fruit. Pussy Cambridge cops…

What should Crowley drink?

Pat: Samuel Adams
Jake: Negra Modela – but only so that this scene may happen:

Panel 1Panel 2Panel 3panel 4Panel 5Panel 6

Gates: Choice – Red Stripe

Pat: Last I heard, Gates hadn’t chosen between Red Stripe or Becks. I used to like to drink Red Stripe—if nothing else, the bottles are fun—I don’t take it that seriously now, but it might just be the way my tastes run. Becks on the other hand—finally!—a real beer!—I like it even when it’s really stanky!

Jake: Is it wrong that I want to see this?

Hooray Beer!

Pat: Yes.

Jake: Then can I have a beer with the president?